Friday, November 11, 2011
I'm sick of it
Right this moment in time, I can't get out of here fast enough.I'm sick of having no money, no time and no respect. I'm sick of the things that are important to me being ridiculed and laughed at and much less important than things that matter to others, especially those I live with. I'm sick of coming in second to a rusty old car and our son being even further down on the list. I'm sick of having to justify a $5 expense that would have saved me 45 minutes of extra work while he spends all kinds of money for car parts. I literally feel sick over the fact that the counselor said he can do nothing for my son's obsession because the boy sees nothing wrong with it, like father like son in so many ways, so now what do I do? Medicate him until he's lethargic so he stays out of trouble? I'm sick, yet happy, that James was not accepted into a summer camp because of his disability, only to find out later that one of the people in charge has been accused of tying a child to a chair and slapping him in the face. What's wrong with people? Who can be trusted? If I leave here, will it be any better somewhere else? I love my husband, but if he stays here and I leave I won't have to put up with him on a daily basis, which would be great from where I stand right now! I know I should be very grateful that everyone I care for is healthy, and I am VERY grateful for that. But, can't I wish for a better life, with enough money to pay the bills without worrying myself into headaches every month and services to better help my son? I'm beginning to feel very let down and I'm questioning my faith, which scares me. Not sure what to do at this point.
Friday, October 14, 2011
The waiting games stinks!
Now that I've decided I need to go to MA, I can't get there quick enough! The lists of plusses to go there keeps growing: closer to mom, Kim, Linda, nephews, cousins, friends. Also closer to Philadelphia and Baby Girl (DJ &Di, too!);job with more $ better benefits, shorter days, closer to services to help James and possibly even summer camp opportunities that he's always rejected for here (too Autistic for "regular" camp, not Autistic enough for special camp...); closer to civilization (this was refreshing at first, but now I'm over it!); maybe I'll even find a church with an active youth group. James would be coming with me, not staying here, since there are many more services and opportunities for him there, plus I'd have more support and family that I could recruit to help me with him. Jim will be fine here fending for himself.
The one reason I have to stay is that I love my current job, the students, my bosses and co-workers. Unfortunately, that's not enough anymore...
This blog started with my desire (lifelong) to lose weight, and I fell off that bandwagon for a while. I even canceled my WW account to save a few bucks, but I'm back on. I maintained my weight this week, but today is a new day!
Must get ready for the last day of "intermission" as some of the kids call it. It has been a good week! I have to take Monday off to bring James to the doctor to discuss the issues we're having with him and determine if he needs a med change, so it will be a 3 day weekend- desperately needed right now!
The one reason I have to stay is that I love my current job, the students, my bosses and co-workers. Unfortunately, that's not enough anymore...
This blog started with my desire (lifelong) to lose weight, and I fell off that bandwagon for a while. I even canceled my WW account to save a few bucks, but I'm back on. I maintained my weight this week, but today is a new day!
Must get ready for the last day of "intermission" as some of the kids call it. It has been a good week! I have to take Monday off to bring James to the doctor to discuss the issues we're having with him and determine if he needs a med change, so it will be a 3 day weekend- desperately needed right now!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
should I stay or should I go?
Well, the camel's back is broken. Not sure what exactly broke it to the point of no return: rising insurance costs, no longer qualifying for reduced lunch for James, rising costs of gas/food/everything, no raise AGAIN! Jim tried to run an ad in the local newspaper for an electrical handyman and was getting a good response until the state told him he couldn't do that, so now he has no money coming in.The few sides jobs he does put gas in his van, that's all and he hasn't found a real job in the three years that we've been here. So after much discussion and prayer, we've decided it's time for me to look for a job in Massachusetts.
Pros if I get one: more money, no longer worrying about how we're going to eat, the ability to actually save some money for once, I'd get to spend some real time with my mom and sisters whom I desperately miss, I'd get to see DJ and Di more often since they are on the way to MA and only 6 hours away if I wanted to spend the weekend, Jim would still be here to take care of this place and we'd be able to keep it for summers and vacation, James wouldn't have to change schools until I was sure I found one that could meet his needs as well as Hayesville does. Cons to me going: I hate the thought of leaving James and worry about Jim doing this all alone, I love my current job and have made some friends there that I'd miss (pause while I dry my eyes). The plan is to purchase a laptop with a web cam for James so he and I can Skype every night, which he may think is so cool he may not want me to come back! I'd come back for holidays, breaks, long weekends and really only be gone for 6 weeks at a time. If it works out and I have enough money, after getting Jim a replacement car, I'd try to find a foreclosed house or condo for us to stay in and James could come up and go to school in MA; Jim would have the option of staying here or coming up.(He's very comfortable here, has contacts for jobs, is in great with the church, and HATES the cold).We feel that our relationship is strong enough to survive the distance. I think all the evidence points to me going to MA if I am offered the right job. So, keep us in your prayers!
Pros if I get one: more money, no longer worrying about how we're going to eat, the ability to actually save some money for once, I'd get to spend some real time with my mom and sisters whom I desperately miss, I'd get to see DJ and Di more often since they are on the way to MA and only 6 hours away if I wanted to spend the weekend, Jim would still be here to take care of this place and we'd be able to keep it for summers and vacation, James wouldn't have to change schools until I was sure I found one that could meet his needs as well as Hayesville does. Cons to me going: I hate the thought of leaving James and worry about Jim doing this all alone, I love my current job and have made some friends there that I'd miss (pause while I dry my eyes). The plan is to purchase a laptop with a web cam for James so he and I can Skype every night, which he may think is so cool he may not want me to come back! I'd come back for holidays, breaks, long weekends and really only be gone for 6 weeks at a time. If it works out and I have enough money, after getting Jim a replacement car, I'd try to find a foreclosed house or condo for us to stay in and James could come up and go to school in MA; Jim would have the option of staying here or coming up.(He's very comfortable here, has contacts for jobs, is in great with the church, and HATES the cold).We feel that our relationship is strong enough to survive the distance. I think all the evidence points to me going to MA if I am offered the right job. So, keep us in your prayers!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
relative normal
Well, now that we're back in school with the students (pre-planning days don't count; nothing "normal" about them!), I'm hoping to get back on track with the diet. I need to bring a microwave in, I don't really have time to heat my lunch up somewhere else and have time to eat it (25 minutes which includes walking the students to the cafeteria and retrieving them when they're done). I also need to make sure I'm getting the exercise in; wearing the pedometer is great because it tracks the activity points earned and I just plug that into the program, but I really should be practicing my clogging routines at least 3 days per week.
I keep having to remind myself that DJ is (technically) an adult and I don't need to know about every little thing he's doing. I've been driving myself crazy worrying about them: if Haylee is getting all the attention she deserves, if he and Di are going to make it or not, if they're ever coming back here where they have lots more support, etc., etc., etc. I pray daily that their relationship lasts, I really do love Diana and think they have a great thing going if they'd just focus on each other, which takes maturity that they both lack. All I can do is keep praying...
We took James fishing today, I think for the first time ever! We didn't catch anything, but now that I kind of get the gist of it, I can take him before karate some Saturday. He has one more week until school starts. We're still doing the gluten-free diet, but I'm anxious to see if the behaviors that have extinguished return once he's back in the stress of school, with or without the diet.
Funny thing, but Jim actually enjoys being the dishwasher at a local restaurant, something I would never have thought he'd like. I guess because it's repetitious?? Who knows, at least he likes it and it's a job.
I have come to some conclusions about the difference between Autism and ADHD, and have decided that James has Autism only while DJ has ADHD. It has to do with being able to do more than one thing at a time; people with ADHD can see and attend to 10 things at once, while people with Autism tend to hyper-focus on one thing and get overwhelmed if they are expected to do more than one thing at a time. Just my personal theory based on people I live with every day!
G'day!
I keep having to remind myself that DJ is (technically) an adult and I don't need to know about every little thing he's doing. I've been driving myself crazy worrying about them: if Haylee is getting all the attention she deserves, if he and Di are going to make it or not, if they're ever coming back here where they have lots more support, etc., etc., etc. I pray daily that their relationship lasts, I really do love Diana and think they have a great thing going if they'd just focus on each other, which takes maturity that they both lack. All I can do is keep praying...
We took James fishing today, I think for the first time ever! We didn't catch anything, but now that I kind of get the gist of it, I can take him before karate some Saturday. He has one more week until school starts. We're still doing the gluten-free diet, but I'm anxious to see if the behaviors that have extinguished return once he's back in the stress of school, with or without the diet.
Funny thing, but Jim actually enjoys being the dishwasher at a local restaurant, something I would never have thought he'd like. I guess because it's repetitious?? Who knows, at least he likes it and it's a job.
I have come to some conclusions about the difference between Autism and ADHD, and have decided that James has Autism only while DJ has ADHD. It has to do with being able to do more than one thing at a time; people with ADHD can see and attend to 10 things at once, while people with Autism tend to hyper-focus on one thing and get overwhelmed if they are expected to do more than one thing at a time. Just my personal theory based on people I live with every day!
G'day!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
last days of summer
It sure seems strange saying "the last days of summer" when it's still July, but I go back to work Monday followed by students on Thursday. This has been an emotional and crazy summer, to say the least! Going back to work will almost be a break!
Starting with the youngest, James: puberty has hit early! He grew another 2-3 inches over the summer and is now only 2" shorter than me, his voice has changed, and his attitude along with it! His interest in girls and all things to do with them has exploded as we found out (the hard way) with the $124 pay-per-view bill (which Dish Network graciously reversed!). Being asked to leave VBS early due to his behavior was saddening for him and heartbreaking for me, but completely understood due to the nature of the violation. Trying the GFCF diet with him has shown some promise; he answers me more quickly when I ask him to stop doing something he enjoys and seems calmer overall. Of course this could be due to being on summer break and away from the things that stress him out, hard to say. On the positive side, his sense of humor is still great and, for the most part, he's a great kids who gets lots of compliments for his sensitivity and gracious manners.
D.J., oh D.J., what can a mother do? I love this child with every fiber of my being, he has a great sense of humor and can liven up any conversation with his unique points of view. BUT, he is so impulsive and doesn't think anything through before jumping, "ready, fire, aim!" as Richard Lavoie says. He and Di have moved to Philly where they have been on- again-off- again, most recently on- again with a new determination to make it work. I miss Haylee so much, but keep reminding myself that many grandparents live far from the grandkids and still make it work, I just wanted to be part of her day-to-day life and not just hear about it later. I'll just keep praying...
I love my husband, but now understand those women who have been homemakers all their lives until the husband retires, then they are driven crazy! At least he has a job and has been keeping busy with side jobs, Knights of Columbus, RCIA, and the Cadillac. And he loves me enough to want to be with me EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!
This blog started out with my desperate attempt to lose weight. Not working is not working for me! When I'm at work, I pack my lunch and only eat what is in my lunch box, easy to control. When I'm home, especially in the stressful situations I've had this summer, all I do is eat. Oh- and my scale broke and the new one adds at least 5 pounds, so my poundage is higher even though the clothes still fit. So, starting Monday, I'm back on the diet 100% and will try to stick with the GFCF as much as possible as well.
Lastly (I promise!), I had to give in and realize that I am no longer a candidate for wearing contact lenses, a very difficult thing to do as I have been fighting wearing glasses for 38 years now! My astigmatism has gotten to the point where it cannot be corrected with contacts. So I got some nice, rimless bifocals (the distance rx is so strong it messes up the reading vision). Then I couldn't see the computer and when I almost set my hair on fire leaning in to see what I was cooking, I went back and was prescribed tri-focals. Ta-da! I can see better now than I have in years. It's amazing what you miss without even realizing it when you can't see properly!
Enough now. Have a great summer, if you still have one!
Starting with the youngest, James: puberty has hit early! He grew another 2-3 inches over the summer and is now only 2" shorter than me, his voice has changed, and his attitude along with it! His interest in girls and all things to do with them has exploded as we found out (the hard way) with the $124 pay-per-view bill (which Dish Network graciously reversed!). Being asked to leave VBS early due to his behavior was saddening for him and heartbreaking for me, but completely understood due to the nature of the violation. Trying the GFCF diet with him has shown some promise; he answers me more quickly when I ask him to stop doing something he enjoys and seems calmer overall. Of course this could be due to being on summer break and away from the things that stress him out, hard to say. On the positive side, his sense of humor is still great and, for the most part, he's a great kids who gets lots of compliments for his sensitivity and gracious manners.
D.J., oh D.J., what can a mother do? I love this child with every fiber of my being, he has a great sense of humor and can liven up any conversation with his unique points of view. BUT, he is so impulsive and doesn't think anything through before jumping, "ready, fire, aim!" as Richard Lavoie says. He and Di have moved to Philly where they have been on- again-off- again, most recently on- again with a new determination to make it work. I miss Haylee so much, but keep reminding myself that many grandparents live far from the grandkids and still make it work, I just wanted to be part of her day-to-day life and not just hear about it later. I'll just keep praying...
I love my husband, but now understand those women who have been homemakers all their lives until the husband retires, then they are driven crazy! At least he has a job and has been keeping busy with side jobs, Knights of Columbus, RCIA, and the Cadillac. And he loves me enough to want to be with me EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!
This blog started out with my desperate attempt to lose weight. Not working is not working for me! When I'm at work, I pack my lunch and only eat what is in my lunch box, easy to control. When I'm home, especially in the stressful situations I've had this summer, all I do is eat. Oh- and my scale broke and the new one adds at least 5 pounds, so my poundage is higher even though the clothes still fit. So, starting Monday, I'm back on the diet 100% and will try to stick with the GFCF as much as possible as well.
Lastly (I promise!), I had to give in and realize that I am no longer a candidate for wearing contact lenses, a very difficult thing to do as I have been fighting wearing glasses for 38 years now! My astigmatism has gotten to the point where it cannot be corrected with contacts. So I got some nice, rimless bifocals (the distance rx is so strong it messes up the reading vision). Then I couldn't see the computer and when I almost set my hair on fire leaning in to see what I was cooking, I went back and was prescribed tri-focals. Ta-da! I can see better now than I have in years. It's amazing what you miss without even realizing it when you can't see properly!
Enough now. Have a great summer, if you still have one!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I broke the scale...
well, not really. I went to weigh in last week and it was stuck on 120 (which I'd take in a heartbeat!) so I had to buy a new one. According to the new one, I gained 8 pounds in a week, even though my clothes are all too loose. No worries, I just readjusted my thinking, it's not the number that matters, it's how the clothes fit!
Well, I think the roller coaster ride has come to a temporary stop. DJ, Diana, and Haylee made it safely to Philly and her family. DJ learned many things that helped fill in some holes, it's all good. I think it will be a good move for them, they both have jobs lined up already and Di's uncle has really taken DJ under his wing, which DJ desperately needs.
I went to pick up his paycheck at Hardees, and it warmed my heart to hear all the positive comments from co-workers, the store manager, and even the district manager! "What a great guy", "He always made me feel better when I am down", "My favorite manager!", and they said to have him call if he comes back, I think they'd hire him right back even though he left so suddenly. I always knew he was a great kid and now other people are seeing it as well. He needed to hear that so I texted him all the nice words. I hope it rose his spirits. James and I are enjoying some time together. We went tubing on Fire's Creek yesterday and have been playing board games. Even though my faith was seriously shaken this week, it's back as strong as ever and all I can say is, "Praise God, life is good!"
Well, I think the roller coaster ride has come to a temporary stop. DJ, Diana, and Haylee made it safely to Philly and her family. DJ learned many things that helped fill in some holes, it's all good. I think it will be a good move for them, they both have jobs lined up already and Di's uncle has really taken DJ under his wing, which DJ desperately needs.
I went to pick up his paycheck at Hardees, and it warmed my heart to hear all the positive comments from co-workers, the store manager, and even the district manager! "What a great guy", "He always made me feel better when I am down", "My favorite manager!", and they said to have him call if he comes back, I think they'd hire him right back even though he left so suddenly. I always knew he was a great kid and now other people are seeing it as well. He needed to hear that so I texted him all the nice words. I hope it rose his spirits. James and I are enjoying some time together. We went tubing on Fire's Creek yesterday and have been playing board games. Even though my faith was seriously shaken this week, it's back as strong as ever and all I can say is, "Praise God, life is good!"
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
focus on the positive
Ok-time for a new outlook!
The gluten/casein free diet is going well and I've even managed to track most of the points on WW, which is huge since I feel like I'm on 2 diets at once! I think James is still recovering from the pizza as his behavior hasn't been great the last few days; he even lost the fireworks last night (I don't care that they're only once a year-you mess up you pay the consequence!)
On the plus side, I have a pile of freshly grown veggies to eat in trade for some math instruction. Fair deal to me, I hope that the math student feels the same! James may have a new buddy to play some chess with as well, one his age for a change instead of always hanging out with us! Sounds win-win to me!
My pile of veggies includes cabbage, which I love but usually only eat with the traditional corned beef dinner. I have several vegetarian cookbooks from my no-meat days and found several recipes that look great! Tonight it will be cabbage rolls stuffed with wild mushrooms and brown rice with a tomato-based sauce-sounds yummy! I just need to figure the points so I know how many to eat! Jim says, "What, no meat?", so I'll have to cook something on the side, maybe some crab cakes...we'll see what happens.
We had a quiet 4th. DJ and Di came over for a cookout Sunday night because I knew he'd want to spend the 4th with his friends. James, Jim and I had our annual viewing of "1776", which I love! I saw it in 7th grade on a field trip, that was the bicentennial year and our year focused on that, which was cool, especially living in Massachusetts! Now I subject Jim and James to it every 4th, and they know all the songs, too!
Happy week!
The gluten/casein free diet is going well and I've even managed to track most of the points on WW, which is huge since I feel like I'm on 2 diets at once! I think James is still recovering from the pizza as his behavior hasn't been great the last few days; he even lost the fireworks last night (I don't care that they're only once a year-you mess up you pay the consequence!)
On the plus side, I have a pile of freshly grown veggies to eat in trade for some math instruction. Fair deal to me, I hope that the math student feels the same! James may have a new buddy to play some chess with as well, one his age for a change instead of always hanging out with us! Sounds win-win to me!
My pile of veggies includes cabbage, which I love but usually only eat with the traditional corned beef dinner. I have several vegetarian cookbooks from my no-meat days and found several recipes that look great! Tonight it will be cabbage rolls stuffed with wild mushrooms and brown rice with a tomato-based sauce-sounds yummy! I just need to figure the points so I know how many to eat! Jim says, "What, no meat?", so I'll have to cook something on the side, maybe some crab cakes...we'll see what happens.
We had a quiet 4th. DJ and Di came over for a cookout Sunday night because I knew he'd want to spend the 4th with his friends. James, Jim and I had our annual viewing of "1776", which I love! I saw it in 7th grade on a field trip, that was the bicentennial year and our year focused on that, which was cool, especially living in Massachusetts! Now I subject Jim and James to it every 4th, and they know all the songs, too!
Happy week!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
discriminated against
Ok-so it has been quite a week. "Boy", as we refer to James, figured out how to order pay-per-views in the few minutes that I was not in the room with him (I guess I should just "hold it!"). This was accidentally discovered when Jim hit the recall button on the remote and the previous channel was the NUDE channel playing "Girls Gone Wild". He called Dish Network and was walked through how to determine if any others were purchased; they were and totaled $124! So of course we spent the night having conversations with James about sex, lying, "those kinds" of movies, etc. We also unplugged the TV (which I am enjoying!). A later call to Dish resulted in all of the charges being taken off (yeah!).
In the meantime, there is a local camp that has different sessions over the summer, one being a Junior Music Camp. I called to talk to the director to see what would need to happen so James could attend. The secretary wanted more info to pass on and I reluctantly gave her a brief overview of James and his disability and related needs. I also told her that he probably wouldn't be spending the night, that I'd pick him up and drop him off each day and that I could come assist him at times that I know could be troublesome for him. The director never called me back. I had tried to get him in this same camp 2 years ago and the answer was, "We don't take kids like that". Obviously, they don't realize that it is against federal law to discriminate against a person due to a disability (Americans with Disabilities Act). I am still trying to get in touch with the person to voice my thoughts about this, but I will not pursue it legally since this is such a small town and it would only cause more problems for James; I don't want him to become ostracized more than he already is.
As much as I understand (believe me, I get it more than anyone!!) what a handful he can be, the lack of resources for him that I can afford (camp at the Autism Society for one week is $4,000!) is frustrating and discouraging. It's not just this remote area I live in, either, it was actually worse in Central Florida. What he needs the most is more experience with other kids so he can learn appropriate social skills, but no one will give him a chance. Even in Florida, the relatives didn't want to spend time with him because he's so much work (now you know why we moved away!). All he's learning from this is that he is different and a freak that no one wants to be around and it breaks my heart.
Solution? Well, Jim finally agreed to start James on the GFCF (gluten-free, casien-free) diet, which has shown positive results in many with with Autism or ADHD, and James has both. What this could do is calm him down, help him to focus, and reduce the perseveration that he displays. Calming him down (the medication does some, but not when he's in an overstimulating setting) would reduce or eliminate the need to make strange noises in peoples' faces, reduce or eliminate the need to put his hands on others, help him to respect personal space, and help him listen and understand better in these situations. This is the biggest challenge he has. After 2 days on this, I saw some improvement, but then we didn't leave the house and he wasn't in any overstimulating settings. Yesterday we went out for promised pizza, NOT allowed on this diet, and saw an immediate negative reaction, which was good because now I think Jim is convinced. So we will try it for a few months and see what happens. In the meantime, I will call the camp and, calmly and rationally, give them a piece of my mind. I think we need to set up a fund of some sort for James to earn money to attend the Autism camp next summer. Most of the family may be willing to make a donation and he can earn money during the year doing various things. This will give him an opportunity to set a goal and do what needs to be done to reach it.
Stepping off the soap box and out of the crybaby seat now, have a great 4th of July!
In the meantime, there is a local camp that has different sessions over the summer, one being a Junior Music Camp. I called to talk to the director to see what would need to happen so James could attend. The secretary wanted more info to pass on and I reluctantly gave her a brief overview of James and his disability and related needs. I also told her that he probably wouldn't be spending the night, that I'd pick him up and drop him off each day and that I could come assist him at times that I know could be troublesome for him. The director never called me back. I had tried to get him in this same camp 2 years ago and the answer was, "We don't take kids like that". Obviously, they don't realize that it is against federal law to discriminate against a person due to a disability (Americans with Disabilities Act). I am still trying to get in touch with the person to voice my thoughts about this, but I will not pursue it legally since this is such a small town and it would only cause more problems for James; I don't want him to become ostracized more than he already is.
As much as I understand (believe me, I get it more than anyone!!) what a handful he can be, the lack of resources for him that I can afford (camp at the Autism Society for one week is $4,000!) is frustrating and discouraging. It's not just this remote area I live in, either, it was actually worse in Central Florida. What he needs the most is more experience with other kids so he can learn appropriate social skills, but no one will give him a chance. Even in Florida, the relatives didn't want to spend time with him because he's so much work (now you know why we moved away!). All he's learning from this is that he is different and a freak that no one wants to be around and it breaks my heart.
Solution? Well, Jim finally agreed to start James on the GFCF (gluten-free, casien-free) diet, which has shown positive results in many with with Autism or ADHD, and James has both. What this could do is calm him down, help him to focus, and reduce the perseveration that he displays. Calming him down (the medication does some, but not when he's in an overstimulating setting) would reduce or eliminate the need to make strange noises in peoples' faces, reduce or eliminate the need to put his hands on others, help him to respect personal space, and help him listen and understand better in these situations. This is the biggest challenge he has. After 2 days on this, I saw some improvement, but then we didn't leave the house and he wasn't in any overstimulating settings. Yesterday we went out for promised pizza, NOT allowed on this diet, and saw an immediate negative reaction, which was good because now I think Jim is convinced. So we will try it for a few months and see what happens. In the meantime, I will call the camp and, calmly and rationally, give them a piece of my mind. I think we need to set up a fund of some sort for James to earn money to attend the Autism camp next summer. Most of the family may be willing to make a donation and he can earn money during the year doing various things. This will give him an opportunity to set a goal and do what needs to be done to reach it.
Stepping off the soap box and out of the crybaby seat now, have a great 4th of July!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
tough decision
I hate having to make decisions that will impact not only my life but others as well.
A job opening has come up in a school much closer to me. I would be cutting my driving time and gas bill in half. Plus, I would be able to participate in the events outside of school that are just too far for me to attend at the present school.
Those are the only pluses.
On the down side: I love where I teach now. If I stay, I'll being doing the same thing 2 years in a row for a change, and actually feel like I know what I'm doing. I love the people I work with and I think they like me back, I would miss that. I've heard horrible things about the school that has the opening, in fact, I interviewed for this same opening almost 3 years ago and didn't get it. I believe it has been open another time since then as well, so why won't anyone stay? Jim feels that since I have done so well "fitting in" where I am now, I can just do the same thing at the other school and get the same results, I'm not so sure. This is truly the first time in my life that I feel like I fit in and that people actually like me, what if the rumors I've heard about the attitudes of the people at the other school are true and they make me miserable? Is it worth saving a few bucks? Actually, the county I'm in now gives a stipend every year which about covers the difference in gas, so I'll be breaking even unless the other county does the same. I've put in my application and I guess I just need to leave it up to what God thinks is best for me...
A job opening has come up in a school much closer to me. I would be cutting my driving time and gas bill in half. Plus, I would be able to participate in the events outside of school that are just too far for me to attend at the present school.
Those are the only pluses.
On the down side: I love where I teach now. If I stay, I'll being doing the same thing 2 years in a row for a change, and actually feel like I know what I'm doing. I love the people I work with and I think they like me back, I would miss that. I've heard horrible things about the school that has the opening, in fact, I interviewed for this same opening almost 3 years ago and didn't get it. I believe it has been open another time since then as well, so why won't anyone stay? Jim feels that since I have done so well "fitting in" where I am now, I can just do the same thing at the other school and get the same results, I'm not so sure. This is truly the first time in my life that I feel like I fit in and that people actually like me, what if the rumors I've heard about the attitudes of the people at the other school are true and they make me miserable? Is it worth saving a few bucks? Actually, the county I'm in now gives a stipend every year which about covers the difference in gas, so I'll be breaking even unless the other county does the same. I've put in my application and I guess I just need to leave it up to what God thinks is best for me...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
the roller coaster has stopped (for now!)
What a week! Going from the highest of highs Sunday to the lowest of lows Monday, only to find out that false accusations were made and someone was accused before all the avenues were tried. Good thing the accuser can be a man and not only apologize, but promise to make it right. The best thing in all of this is that the accuser finally sees and acknowledges how quick he is to judge certain people, and wants to make it right. I'm glad the accused can accept the apology and be open to things, maybe, finally changing.
I did lose 2 pounds this week! My computer crashed on Wednesday and I just got it back; funny how you don't realize how much time you spend on something until it's no longer there to to use! Anyhow, I haven't been on the WW site to log in my weight loss or foods since the crash, and I know I'll never remember at this point all that I ate, so I'm going to try to watch on my own and see what the scale says on Thursday.
Busy week again, VBS Monday-Friday from 9-12, then various activities almost every night. Plus we need to fit in math practice, French, and instrument practice! I'm tired just thinking about it!
I did lose 2 pounds this week! My computer crashed on Wednesday and I just got it back; funny how you don't realize how much time you spend on something until it's no longer there to to use! Anyhow, I haven't been on the WW site to log in my weight loss or foods since the crash, and I know I'll never remember at this point all that I ate, so I'm going to try to watch on my own and see what the scale says on Thursday.
Busy week again, VBS Monday-Friday from 9-12, then various activities almost every night. Plus we need to fit in math practice, French, and instrument practice! I'm tired just thinking about it!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
then the world crashed in
The day after my last post, my entire world came crashing down. I don't want to go into details here, let's just say that the dream I'd always prayed for is never going to happen. To go from such a high on Sunday to the bottom of the pits on Monday is emotionally draining, to say the least. After 24 hours of holding back tears (sort of), I finally have come to the acceptance stage of grief. This really should have happened years ago but being an eternal optimist I refused to give up. So, now, I'm throwing in the towel. I'll never stop hoping for this to fix, but I can no longer spend such an amount of emotional energy on it, especially since it's beyond my control (reminder to self: I can only control ME, no one else).
I'm done.
So on the diet front, when I'm mad or agitated, I pig out. When I'm in a significant emotional state, I can't eat at all, so I should show a weight loss tomorrow. I've gotten in plenty of exercise moving things around my classroom, running back and forth to gather/put away things. I learned a dance Monday in clogging that I've wanted to learn for a while, but since I'm the only one that doesn't know it, I couldn't get them to slow down enough for me to get it. So, I've been practicing that as well. I found out about another dance style they do at the folk school, English Country, that I'm told doesn't have the spins that contra does, so I'm going to keep a look out for that and sign up. Today is my last official day of work until August 1st, so I'm going to plan some activities for James and I, including our French lessons and 6th grade math. He's really enjoying learning French and I'm surprised at how easily it's coming back to me from the classes I took in Junior High! He earned a free pass to Six Flags in Atlanta that we'll do next week and we're going to Chattanooga tomorrow to see one of Jim's old favorites, Uriah Heap. (I've never heard of them, but he played a song for James and James loves them-he's the one that wants to go to the concert!) Also on the plans for the next few weeks: Charleston and other spots in SC, Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, and Stone Mountain, GA. These are all day trips for us (except Charleston) since we live so far west in NC, so the only cost will be gas (ugh!) and admission.
I'm done.
So on the diet front, when I'm mad or agitated, I pig out. When I'm in a significant emotional state, I can't eat at all, so I should show a weight loss tomorrow. I've gotten in plenty of exercise moving things around my classroom, running back and forth to gather/put away things. I learned a dance Monday in clogging that I've wanted to learn for a while, but since I'm the only one that doesn't know it, I couldn't get them to slow down enough for me to get it. So, I've been practicing that as well. I found out about another dance style they do at the folk school, English Country, that I'm told doesn't have the spins that contra does, so I'm going to keep a look out for that and sign up. Today is my last official day of work until August 1st, so I'm going to plan some activities for James and I, including our French lessons and 6th grade math. He's really enjoying learning French and I'm surprised at how easily it's coming back to me from the classes I took in Junior High! He earned a free pass to Six Flags in Atlanta that we'll do next week and we're going to Chattanooga tomorrow to see one of Jim's old favorites, Uriah Heap. (I've never heard of them, but he played a song for James and James loves them-he's the one that wants to go to the concert!) Also on the plans for the next few weeks: Charleston and other spots in SC, Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, and Stone Mountain, GA. These are all day trips for us (except Charleston) since we live so far west in NC, so the only cost will be gas (ugh!) and admission.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
aaahhhh, calm and serene
Whew! What a crazy few weeks it's been, both personally and professionally. Testing didn't end until the last full day of school, how crazy is that! Although, it would make more sense to have testing the last week of school rather than 3 weeks out; those that passed just come to school and play while the rest prepare to re-test.
I lost one pound this week, which puts me at one-over-par for where I was, but still closer! Finding time to log my WW points combined with the male of the species wanting fattening foods all the time (there is only so much time in a day!) has become challenging. Now that DJ and Di are completely moved into their own place, I may have more time, but I doubt it as I didn't spend a whole lot of time doing for them (only worrying about them!).
Good news! DJ's divorce should be final by this Wednesday, then he has to wait 30 days and he and Di can get married! Yeah! They both sounded very positive about it, and I sensed something different (in a good way) in both of them today. Haylee's baptism is being put off until her family can come down from PA, which should be next month. So, they are on the right track!
I get to spend some time with James the next few days. He'll be coming to work with me. We'll probably be the only ones in the building, as usual, but that's OK. Clogging Monday, Contra Tuesday, Karate Wednesday, concert in Chattanooga Thursday (Uriah Heap!), and hopefully sleep on Friday because Haylee comes on Saturday for our weekly time together. Sounds like a plan!
I lost one pound this week, which puts me at one-over-par for where I was, but still closer! Finding time to log my WW points combined with the male of the species wanting fattening foods all the time (there is only so much time in a day!) has become challenging. Now that DJ and Di are completely moved into their own place, I may have more time, but I doubt it as I didn't spend a whole lot of time doing for them (only worrying about them!).
Good news! DJ's divorce should be final by this Wednesday, then he has to wait 30 days and he and Di can get married! Yeah! They both sounded very positive about it, and I sensed something different (in a good way) in both of them today. Haylee's baptism is being put off until her family can come down from PA, which should be next month. So, they are on the right track!
I get to spend some time with James the next few days. He'll be coming to work with me. We'll probably be the only ones in the building, as usual, but that's OK. Clogging Monday, Contra Tuesday, Karate Wednesday, concert in Chattanooga Thursday (Uriah Heap!), and hopefully sleep on Friday because Haylee comes on Saturday for our weekly time together. Sounds like a plan!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
can you say "stressed"?
Ok, so I maintained my weight this week, which is a victory because I thought I'd gained again! Not looking so good for the next weigh-in though! Having all these make-up snow days after testing has concluded makes no sense. Of course, there is a huge group that has to re-test this week, so why don't we just let the others stay home? It would make crowd control a lot easier and reduce the chances of mis-administration of the re-test settings. Just saying...
On the home front, DJ, Di, and Haylee have moved out (sort of). I'm not feeling really good about this, I worry about them so much. They are so young and clueless and have have their priorities all awack! I try so hard to be positive and speak positive in the hopes that the positive aura will surround them and turn them around, but I'm not seeing it yet.And that beautiful baby is in the middle of it all. They are both wonderful people, have so many good qualities, but sometimes it's hard to see them when they insist on dramatizing the negative! The sad thing is, they remind me so much of how clueless and self-absorbed I was. I was about 24 when I started to see the light, and it's been slow progress since then. I'd also made many mistakes that I'm still paying for 24 years later! I guess our genes call for us to learn the hard way, I just hope they learn!
On the home front, DJ, Di, and Haylee have moved out (sort of). I'm not feeling really good about this, I worry about them so much. They are so young and clueless and have have their priorities all awack! I try so hard to be positive and speak positive in the hopes that the positive aura will surround them and turn them around, but I'm not seeing it yet.And that beautiful baby is in the middle of it all. They are both wonderful people, have so many good qualities, but sometimes it's hard to see them when they insist on dramatizing the negative! The sad thing is, they remind me so much of how clueless and self-absorbed I was. I was about 24 when I started to see the light, and it's been slow progress since then. I'd also made many mistakes that I'm still paying for 24 years later! I guess our genes call for us to learn the hard way, I just hope they learn!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
blame it on testing
Well, I gained back 2 pounds this week. Aargh! Could be from lack of running around like I usually do since I was trapped in a room administering the state test instead of traveling from room to room like a gypsy. OR, it could be the lack of support and understanding from the male in the family when he insisted we go to the pizza buffet for dinner the night before weigh-in. (yes, it's his fault that I had 3 slices of pizza and 2 slices of dessert pizza!) Or it could just be one of those things, after all, weight does fluctuate. I still fit into a pair of pants I haven't worn in a long time and a shirt I've never worn (although it was a bit tight!).
Speaking of testing, not-so-great results, although most of my students (that actually tried) did make gains over last year. So, 4 days of remediation and they get to do it all again! This is the part of "teaching" that I hate. The kids were so down today, I felt bad for them.We place so much emphasis on these tests, the powers that be should come see what happens to these kids and how we have to "teach to the test" if we want them to pass and therefore keep our jobs. Not in all cases of course, just some, but I feel like they aren't getting some important information so we can concentrate on the test.
Off my soapbox.
So, leftovers for dinner, TV for a bit, then early to bed-I'm exhausted!
Speaking of testing, not-so-great results, although most of my students (that actually tried) did make gains over last year. So, 4 days of remediation and they get to do it all again! This is the part of "teaching" that I hate. The kids were so down today, I felt bad for them.We place so much emphasis on these tests, the powers that be should come see what happens to these kids and how we have to "teach to the test" if we want them to pass and therefore keep our jobs. Not in all cases of course, just some, but I feel like they aren't getting some important information so we can concentrate on the test.
Off my soapbox.
So, leftovers for dinner, TV for a bit, then early to bed-I'm exhausted!
Friday, May 20, 2011
underwear falling
OK-so all-in-all I've lost 17 pounds counting the 10 I'd lost last year and managed to keep off. I'm noticing it in my clothes now as I walk down the hall and feel the panties slipping down-time to go shopping! I need to lose a few more for the breathing to improve I guess (asthma stinks!)
I was unable to make to clogging Monday due to the Autism Society meeting. I took James to Contra dancing Tuesday but just watched (holding Haylee!). Wednesday was James' trial Karate lesson, he begins real classes Saturday. Last night was his band concert. It's been a busy week! I must go for a walk or something tonight! Tomorrow is a clogging dance, but I can't participate because I wasn't at practice Monday, but we can park far away and go watch it, that counts as exercise! I'm still wearing the pedometer to work and logging 2-3 activity points per day so that's good!
DJ and Di have found a trailer to rent near Di's boss. This is good because they've become friends and can ride to work together and save gas! It's also closer to her job but about the same distance to DJ's as it is from here, just from the opposite direction. They move in June 1st. I miss them already, but have plans to kidnap Haylee every Saturday afternoon and keep her until Sunday morning, so I'm still guaranteed to see tham at least once a week!
I've got to go plan the points for the day. I keep all my friends and family in daily prayer and hope God blesses them today!
I was unable to make to clogging Monday due to the Autism Society meeting. I took James to Contra dancing Tuesday but just watched (holding Haylee!). Wednesday was James' trial Karate lesson, he begins real classes Saturday. Last night was his band concert. It's been a busy week! I must go for a walk or something tonight! Tomorrow is a clogging dance, but I can't participate because I wasn't at practice Monday, but we can park far away and go watch it, that counts as exercise! I'm still wearing the pedometer to work and logging 2-3 activity points per day so that's good!
DJ and Di have found a trailer to rent near Di's boss. This is good because they've become friends and can ride to work together and save gas! It's also closer to her job but about the same distance to DJ's as it is from here, just from the opposite direction. They move in June 1st. I miss them already, but have plans to kidnap Haylee every Saturday afternoon and keep her until Sunday morning, so I'm still guaranteed to see tham at least once a week!
I've got to go plan the points for the day. I keep all my friends and family in daily prayer and hope God blesses them today!
Monday, May 16, 2011
heartbreaking
As a parent of a child with a disability (well, two disabilities if ADHD counts), it's heartbreaking to see him struggle with making friends. His Autism causes him to be easily over-stimulated and to misread social cues of others. When over-stimulated, he makes strange noises, gets too close to kids, and generally can be annoying to other kids. He also can't "read" that they are annoyed, and thinks that they are enjoying his "silliness". Once in this mode, he's nearly impossible to re-direct until someone yells at him or gets hurt. He wants desperately to have a friend, but has never been invited to a birthday party or sleepover. We sign him up for things like scouts, karate, and baseball in the hopes that he can make a friend, but these social clubs just help point out how different he really is. He's really not that into scouts, we have to force him to look at his handbook or do things to advance. Jim hates going on camping trips (he has the same social anxiety and can't handle any kind of chaos), so we've decided to quit scouts for a year or two. James has wanted to get back into karate, but it's expensive and a long drive (gas money!). We're going to a trail lesson Wednesday to see how it goes. Maybe he'll find someone to relate to there...
On a positive note: people used to think I was my son's grandmother, but now they think I'm my granddaughter's mother. So, therefore, I must look younger than I did 10 years ago. Is it the change from spiky red hair and glasses to long blonde hair and contacts? Or is it the change of atmosphere from anxiety and stress-filled heat and humidity in Florida to calm and relaxing life in the mountains? I don't care!! They think I'm Haylee's mom and that's a compliment I will surely take!
On a positive note: people used to think I was my son's grandmother, but now they think I'm my granddaughter's mother. So, therefore, I must look younger than I did 10 years ago. Is it the change from spiky red hair and glasses to long blonde hair and contacts? Or is it the change of atmosphere from anxiety and stress-filled heat and humidity in Florida to calm and relaxing life in the mountains? I don't care!! They think I'm Haylee's mom and that's a compliment I will surely take!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
what stress?
Well, this has been a tough few days, and as usual I handled it with pure sugar. Had a small bag of Bit-O-Honeys in the a.m., then almost a whole bag of twizzlers in the p.m. (Thanks, Renee for helping me finish those off!) I would have had a wine cooler when I got home, but I took James to Contra dancing at the Folk School. It was fun in a weird sort of way. Usually, you don't see too many guys out dancing, but not here! All the men really knew what they were doing, especially when getting a little side-boob action when swinging me! Maybe I'm paranoid or just uptight from being a "Bostonian". Anyhow, James loved it and was laughing and talking the entire drive home! Good exercise, too, worth 6 points! Weigh-in is tomorrow, so I want to really stick within the points today so I'll show a loss on the morning scale.
"What is stressing you out?" you ask. Answer: What isn't? Hubby made me mad over something last night, but now I can't remember what. I'm sure it was important, though! James is doing great, I'm trying to make sure I spend more time with him. I've been mentally pre-occupied worrying about DJ and Di. Won't go into it here, but he's a very intense person, fun but intense! Knowing that my advice usually goes unheeded, I try to limit it to only the very important stuff, but even that goes unheeded. He's just determined to learn the hard way! Love him to bits, though! Work is always stressful just before testing, but I think Keumele, the testing coordinator, is way stressed, poor thing! I'll keep her and several others on the top of the prayer list!
Time for coffee!
"What is stressing you out?" you ask. Answer: What isn't? Hubby made me mad over something last night, but now I can't remember what. I'm sure it was important, though! James is doing great, I'm trying to make sure I spend more time with him. I've been mentally pre-occupied worrying about DJ and Di. Won't go into it here, but he's a very intense person, fun but intense! Knowing that my advice usually goes unheeded, I try to limit it to only the very important stuff, but even that goes unheeded. He's just determined to learn the hard way! Love him to bits, though! Work is always stressful just before testing, but I think Keumele, the testing coordinator, is way stressed, poor thing! I'll keep her and several others on the top of the prayer list!
Time for coffee!
Friday, May 6, 2011
The best news ever!
First of all, I lost 2 pounds which puts me below a plateau I've been on for over a year! But that's not the news! Di informed me that her and DJ have decided not to move back to Florida! Keeping in mind that DJ has always been very impulsive and never famous for thinking things through, I have guarded optimism that this will actually happen! Hardees has alluded that they are eying him for a general manager position at one of their stores, which would make him the youngest GM they've ever had. Di had not yet informed her family that they were planning to go back to FL (long story) so she seems relieved that she now won't have to. But the best part is I get to see my baby girl all the time still!
The "old" me would have had some cake in celebration, but instead I just praised God and prayed that this happens.
I should go back to bed now, but I'd be getting up for work soon anyhow...
The "old" me would have had some cake in celebration, but instead I just praised God and prayed that this happens.
I should go back to bed now, but I'd be getting up for work soon anyhow...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
"I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing, I did 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu. And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying. And he said someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying." Tim McGraw. I'm not a big fan of country music, but I love this one. I keep thinking about Sonia.I hadn't talked to her in so long, kept putting it off. Now she's gone. I promised myself after her funeral to live my life and not just let it pass by. This song says it all for me.
So what am I doing about it? I won't be going skydiving or riding any bulls in the near future. But I did pick up my son's guitar last night and began to teach myself how to play, something I've been wanting to do forever. I have the books from when I took lessons in my 20's (none of which I remember!). (The lessons, not my 20's!) I'm going to purchase the Rosetta Stone software to learn French, something I've wanted to do since junior high (the main reason I didn't want to go to Assabet was because I couldn't continue taking French.) I've also vowed to appreciate every moment with those I love and care about, especially my husband, children, and Haylee. I still can't believe DJ is 21, where did that time go? I'm going to take better care of myself and continue the diet and exercise program. I missed clogging last night, so I need to practice this week to keep sharp on the dances and for the exercise. I'm also going to think about everything I eat and ask myself if what I'm about to put in my mouth is going prolong my life or shorten it. And I'm going to keep praying...
So what am I doing about it? I won't be going skydiving or riding any bulls in the near future. But I did pick up my son's guitar last night and began to teach myself how to play, something I've been wanting to do forever. I have the books from when I took lessons in my 20's (none of which I remember!). (The lessons, not my 20's!) I'm going to purchase the Rosetta Stone software to learn French, something I've wanted to do since junior high (the main reason I didn't want to go to Assabet was because I couldn't continue taking French.) I've also vowed to appreciate every moment with those I love and care about, especially my husband, children, and Haylee. I still can't believe DJ is 21, where did that time go? I'm going to take better care of myself and continue the diet and exercise program. I missed clogging last night, so I need to practice this week to keep sharp on the dances and for the exercise. I'm also going to think about everything I eat and ask myself if what I'm about to put in my mouth is going prolong my life or shorten it. And I'm going to keep praying...
Monday, May 2, 2011
sometimes it takes a tragedy
A wonderful woman that I used to work with was killed suddenly Friday. She was 41. Her funeral was yesterday, and even though it was very sad Dr. Ackerman said something that hit me. Sonia was put here to show us how to live. She was full of energy, compassion, and caring. She was honest in everything she did; you always knew where you stood with her. So many people said so many wonderful things about her. It's making me think about how I can be more like her and the changes I need to make to get there.
One thing my friend Charissa said was that God created us and wants us to think highly of his creation. This means I need to love myself as God loves me. It also means that I need to take better care of his creation. On the diet/exercise front, I did well this weekend. I've been looking for an angle to help me stay committed to this program. Upcoming events like weddings and class reunions don't do it. Trying to please someone else hasn't done it. Trying to fit into the tiny shorts that have been hanging on the bathroom door for 2 years obviously hasn't done it. Maybe reminding myself that I'm taking care of one of God's precious creations will finally do it. He's done so much for me, I need to care for what He's given me. Knowing I'm doing it for Him, will that work for me or will I be "using" Him as an excuse?
One thing my friend Charissa said was that God created us and wants us to think highly of his creation. This means I need to love myself as God loves me. It also means that I need to take better care of his creation. On the diet/exercise front, I did well this weekend. I've been looking for an angle to help me stay committed to this program. Upcoming events like weddings and class reunions don't do it. Trying to please someone else hasn't done it. Trying to fit into the tiny shorts that have been hanging on the bathroom door for 2 years obviously hasn't done it. Maybe reminding myself that I'm taking care of one of God's precious creations will finally do it. He's done so much for me, I need to care for what He's given me. Knowing I'm doing it for Him, will that work for me or will I be "using" Him as an excuse?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
OH, what a night!
Praising God that we are safe and alive tonight after tornadoes went by, too close to us for comfort! I pray that my friends in Macon fared well.
Well, I gained one pound back, which isn't a surprise. I'm going to hit the tracking and diet much harder today. I've been using the pedometer and average 3.5 miles walking per day at school. This gives me 3 activity points, which is great, but not MORE than I've been doing, so I still need to vamp up the exercise! Back to the regular routine today, but school lets out soon and those few weeks of summer will kill me if I don't get over eating at home all the time.
Promise to me: I will follow the plan today and do some form of exercise when I get home, probably weeding the garden, which counts!
Well, I gained one pound back, which isn't a surprise. I'm going to hit the tracking and diet much harder today. I've been using the pedometer and average 3.5 miles walking per day at school. This gives me 3 activity points, which is great, but not MORE than I've been doing, so I still need to vamp up the exercise! Back to the regular routine today, but school lets out soon and those few weeks of summer will kill me if I don't get over eating at home all the time.
Promise to me: I will follow the plan today and do some form of exercise when I get home, probably weeding the garden, which counts!
Monday, April 25, 2011
emotional eating
When the going gets tough, I start eating! I had a bit of a rough weekend. My youngest son is hitting puberty, which is bad enough in itself, but add Autism and ADHD to the mix and it's quite challenging! We had an incident Saturday which involved stopping to talk to a police officer about the situation. My older son and his finacee and their daughter are moving back to Florida, which I hate but understand. My husband is wonderful! I hardly get to talk to my mom or sisters and I miss them. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself again.
Time to list all the blessings I have: 1) two healthy, smart children, 2) a loving husband who'd do anything for me, 3) mom and 2 sisters I love, 4) friends that support my efforts, 5) a place to live and food on the table, 6) a job I love, 7) a car that runs well, 8) a safe place to live, 9) clogging, 10) God in heaven that gave me these blessings (that should have been number 1!)
Ok, I feel better now. I didn't track my points over the weekend or today, but I need to tomorrow to stay in the habit.
Time to list all the blessings I have: 1) two healthy, smart children, 2) a loving husband who'd do anything for me, 3) mom and 2 sisters I love, 4) friends that support my efforts, 5) a place to live and food on the table, 6) a job I love, 7) a car that runs well, 8) a safe place to live, 9) clogging, 10) God in heaven that gave me these blessings (that should have been number 1!)
Ok, I feel better now. I didn't track my points over the weekend or today, but I need to tomorrow to stay in the habit.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
disappointing but believeable
Weighed in and stayed the same (maintained). I had an entire days worth of points saved in activity points, but I guess the 2 afternoons of binging, even if not going way over points, was the killer. Unless I'm building muscle from all this yard work, after all it weighs more than fat (so they say!). I definitely do better when I'm working, staying at home is too tempting, even if there is no junk in the house.
I'm hoping to visit my uncle and his wife tomorrow. I'm purposely bringing my car to the dealership near them for the work it needs and trying to catch up with them. Plus, there's a mall there! I haven't been to a mall in almost a year! Being broke all the time makes that easier, but it's nice to get out into civilization now and then.
I'm trying not to feel discouraged about not losing this week, after all I didn't give it 100%, and I have to give it 100% for it to work for me. I'm trying to focus on the wedding in July we're I'll see all those people I haven't seen in a year, or even the class reunion in September, which I don't know if we can afford to go to. Events have never motivated me in the past, I really just want my husband to think I'm sexy and not fat. Plus I have a bunch of smaller clothes in the closet to wear!
Reminder to me: You are great! Focus on the positive! You are worth it!
I'm hoping to visit my uncle and his wife tomorrow. I'm purposely bringing my car to the dealership near them for the work it needs and trying to catch up with them. Plus, there's a mall there! I haven't been to a mall in almost a year! Being broke all the time makes that easier, but it's nice to get out into civilization now and then.
I'm trying not to feel discouraged about not losing this week, after all I didn't give it 100%, and I have to give it 100% for it to work for me. I'm trying to focus on the wedding in July we're I'll see all those people I haven't seen in a year, or even the class reunion in September, which I don't know if we can afford to go to. Events have never motivated me in the past, I really just want my husband to think I'm sexy and not fat. Plus I have a bunch of smaller clothes in the closet to wear!
Reminder to me: You are great! Focus on the positive! You are worth it!
Monday, April 18, 2011
first day of Spring Break
First of all, I'm so blessed that we were not affected by the storms over the weekend. Praying for the families that were affected.
So, I imagined getting all kinds of things done, but that's not going to happen. Did plant my flower bed, but I need more soil. Finished the veggie garden and spent 20 minutes lining up the water sprinkler so I can just turn it on and go. I went to the school and had lunch with James, which was nice because he's not yet embarrassed to be seen with me!
On the diet front: started out good, then had a minor meltdown and had 2 bowls of cereal after lunch. Not a huge problem, but I feel bad about myself now, which is one thing I'm trying to avoid. I have accrued 13 activity points and I still have 17 weekly points and 2 days to use them, so I should still lose this week. Plus, I usually can get 4-5 activity points for clogging tonight!
Looks like we will be doing Florida for a few days when I finish the summer reading program. We need to help DJ and Di get back and now have a wedding that falls within the same few days. I don't want to spend more than 3-4 days though, I only have 11 days to spend with Jim and James and we need to do something! Leaving DJ, Di, and Haylee is gong to kill me! But, they are adults and need to be in a place that has the resources they need. After all, I moved away from him, not the other way around.
(Must find the happy place!)
So, I imagined getting all kinds of things done, but that's not going to happen. Did plant my flower bed, but I need more soil. Finished the veggie garden and spent 20 minutes lining up the water sprinkler so I can just turn it on and go. I went to the school and had lunch with James, which was nice because he's not yet embarrassed to be seen with me!
On the diet front: started out good, then had a minor meltdown and had 2 bowls of cereal after lunch. Not a huge problem, but I feel bad about myself now, which is one thing I'm trying to avoid. I have accrued 13 activity points and I still have 17 weekly points and 2 days to use them, so I should still lose this week. Plus, I usually can get 4-5 activity points for clogging tonight!
Looks like we will be doing Florida for a few days when I finish the summer reading program. We need to help DJ and Di get back and now have a wedding that falls within the same few days. I don't want to spend more than 3-4 days though, I only have 11 days to spend with Jim and James and we need to do something! Leaving DJ, Di, and Haylee is gong to kill me! But, they are adults and need to be in a place that has the resources they need. After all, I moved away from him, not the other way around.
(Must find the happy place!)
Sunday, April 17, 2011
a new week
I keep forgetting that tomorrow starts Spring Break! I find myself saying, "I need to get that done before Monday." Than I realize that it can wait and I can actually relax for a minute.
I got to spend the day with Haylee yesterday, she's so precious! I'm going to hate it when they go back to Florida, dreading it actually. I knew all along that this day would come. It's unrealistic to expect a 21-year-old born and raised in Daytona Beach (with the beach, Bike Week, the Speedway, the nightlife, and all the excitement) to like living in Hayesville, North Carolina, where our biggest claim-to-fame is the annual Possum Drop on New Year's Eve! At least there are lots of resources for them and they have some friends and family there.
So how did this affect my diet? I wanted to eat a candy bar, but between the migraine I'd get since I'm allergic to chocolate and the wasted points, I convinced myself that it wasn't worth it. That's HUGE for me!
I did the clogging show yesterday. Di and Haylee came and Di videoed it, so I got to see once again how fat I am compared to the others. Probably why I can't keep up with them. I managed to stay on plan all day until 8 p.m. when I decided to have a handful of animal crackers, thinking they'd only be a few points only to find that they were 8 points!
Goal for today: finish planting in the flower bed, clean out water feature and grass around it. should be worth a good amount of points! Happy Palm Sunday!
I got to spend the day with Haylee yesterday, she's so precious! I'm going to hate it when they go back to Florida, dreading it actually. I knew all along that this day would come. It's unrealistic to expect a 21-year-old born and raised in Daytona Beach (with the beach, Bike Week, the Speedway, the nightlife, and all the excitement) to like living in Hayesville, North Carolina, where our biggest claim-to-fame is the annual Possum Drop on New Year's Eve! At least there are lots of resources for them and they have some friends and family there.
So how did this affect my diet? I wanted to eat a candy bar, but between the migraine I'd get since I'm allergic to chocolate and the wasted points, I convinced myself that it wasn't worth it. That's HUGE for me!
I did the clogging show yesterday. Di and Haylee came and Di videoed it, so I got to see once again how fat I am compared to the others. Probably why I can't keep up with them. I managed to stay on plan all day until 8 p.m. when I decided to have a handful of animal crackers, thinking they'd only be a few points only to find that they were 8 points!
Goal for today: finish planting in the flower bed, clean out water feature and grass around it. should be worth a good amount of points! Happy Palm Sunday!
Friday, April 15, 2011
so ready for the weekend and Spring Break!
Well, I have next week off, yeah! Yes, I know teachers aren't supposed to say things like that, but everyone looks forward to a few days off! There was a free BBQ lunch at school today, but I stuck with my zero point soup and snacks I'd packed. Of course, it helps that I'm not a huge fan of BBQ! Tonight we have the fish fry at church, which Jim is helping out at so I have to go support him and the cause. I figured out how many points it would cost and based my lunch on that, first time ever planning ahead on a diet! I usually count AFTER the fact!
I wore the WW pedometer today and found that I do walk miles each day at school, 3.4 miles actually. That converts to 3 pointsplus points! Yeah!
Tomorrow is the performance at Young Harris college (unless it gets blown away in the windstorm tonight) so there's some more exercise. After that I'll do some gardening, that should be enough working out for a day! I am feeling very inspired by the comments friends and family have made, and that's keeping me motivated, please don't stop!
Gotta go each fish!
I wore the WW pedometer today and found that I do walk miles each day at school, 3.4 miles actually. That converts to 3 pointsplus points! Yeah!
Tomorrow is the performance at Young Harris college (unless it gets blown away in the windstorm tonight) so there's some more exercise. After that I'll do some gardening, that should be enough working out for a day! I am feeling very inspired by the comments friends and family have made, and that's keeping me motivated, please don't stop!
Gotta go each fish!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
the results are in...
First weigh in results- I lost 2 pounds. My initial reaction was disappointment that I didn't lose 4 or 5 pounds. So I started to try to convince myself that 2 lbs is good and at this rate I'll reach my final goal by Halloween. So, feeling a bit better, I proceeded to the computer to go on the WW site and plug in my weight loss only to get YELLED at for losing TOO QUICKLY! OK, so I know that fast weight loss will only return and is unhealthy, but 2 POUNDS in a week is not fast! I probably should get a digital scale so I can get the tenths of pounds, maybe if it was 1.8 I wouldn't have gotten yelled at!
OK, ranting is over. I've lost 2 pounds. Goal for today: exercise. I should practice clogging since we have a performance Saturday and I don't want to screw it up! I need to make sure my costume still fits, too!
Have a happy Thursday!
OK, ranting is over. I've lost 2 pounds. Goal for today: exercise. I should practice clogging since we have a performance Saturday and I don't want to screw it up! I need to make sure my costume still fits, too!
Have a happy Thursday!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
one more day until weigh in...
Have you ever felt that you spend the entire day convincing yourself that you don't need to eat that cookie/candy/bagel/muffin? I sometimes feel like all I do is talk myself out of eating stuff that I shouldn't have and it's exhausting! I'm trying to look at it as talking myself INTO health and weight loss and my closet full of too-smalls, maybe that will help.
I guess I really don't know
Good Morning! 4:00 a.m. local time. I don't know what it is about me and sleep! I was too hot most of the night since hubby turned the a/c up to 82 degrees! Once I wake up, it's useless to try to go back to sleep, so I finally decided to just get up. I need to catch up on my WW points from last night; our computer is so slow in the evening I didn't bother last night! I've used all my weekly points and have started dipping into the exercise points, so I need to watch it today and tomorrow- weigh in Thursday.
One of the reasons I overeat is worry about my family. It could be James getting in trouble at school, Jim getting depressed, or anything with DJ (you never know with him!). He and Di have a love/hate relationship. I think they do love each other and are good for each other, they just need to mature a bit and take care of each other rather than always looking out for #1. They seem to finally have a plan and it involves them moving back to Florida. I was hoping they'd like it here, but knew all along they'd hate it. This rural community is too small for them, they need excitement and action. At least I have a relationship with Di and Haylee that I can build on and make sure stays strong!
Clogging last night was fun but I've forgotten the dances. It may be due to the migraine meds I took before going, they fuzz up my mind. I've determined that the headaches were NOT from low blood sugar, but a sensitivity to aspartame. I had stopped using it but bought some diet sodas the other day, that's when the migraines started again.It's always something!
Goal for today- Don't go over 29 points and exercise when I get home. I'm bringing my clogging shoes to work in case I have a moment to practice, too. Have a great day!
One of the reasons I overeat is worry about my family. It could be James getting in trouble at school, Jim getting depressed, or anything with DJ (you never know with him!). He and Di have a love/hate relationship. I think they do love each other and are good for each other, they just need to mature a bit and take care of each other rather than always looking out for #1. They seem to finally have a plan and it involves them moving back to Florida. I was hoping they'd like it here, but knew all along they'd hate it. This rural community is too small for them, they need excitement and action. At least I have a relationship with Di and Haylee that I can build on and make sure stays strong!
Clogging last night was fun but I've forgotten the dances. It may be due to the migraine meds I took before going, they fuzz up my mind. I've determined that the headaches were NOT from low blood sugar, but a sensitivity to aspartame. I had stopped using it but bought some diet sodas the other day, that's when the migraines started again.It's always something!
Goal for today- Don't go over 29 points and exercise when I get home. I'm bringing my clogging shoes to work in case I have a moment to practice, too. Have a great day!
Monday, April 11, 2011
another day another dollar?
Well, I finally figured out the headache was from low blood sugar! I need to eat a snack before bedtime, which I know, but I always forget that when I start a diet.
So, we went for a ride yesterday up to Nantahala, which I've not yet seen. The road is a bit windy, so I was feeling carsick (on top of the headache) by the time we got there. Got a coke (3 points) to settle the stomach. My wonderful husband got a bag of potato chips, which he proceed to offer to me (and I can't resist) so I wasted 9 points on that! On the plus side- The lake at Nantahala is beautiful!
Before we left for the day, I stopped over to see DJ, Di, and Haylee. DJ and Di are fighting again. I think she may have PMS again this time, she's a different person when she's got PMS. I just pray they can stick it out and make this work for Haylee. Haylee is the sweetest baby you'd ever meet, so happy all the time! they are so blessed, I hope they realize that!
Well, as usually happens, my exercising went down the tubes; can't do anything for "me" when hubby is home. We did walk just a little at Nantahala, so I counted that (1 point) since it was up hill. Today I have clogging, such fun and great exercise! Off to work now!
So, we went for a ride yesterday up to Nantahala, which I've not yet seen. The road is a bit windy, so I was feeling carsick (on top of the headache) by the time we got there. Got a coke (3 points) to settle the stomach. My wonderful husband got a bag of potato chips, which he proceed to offer to me (and I can't resist) so I wasted 9 points on that! On the plus side- The lake at Nantahala is beautiful!
Before we left for the day, I stopped over to see DJ, Di, and Haylee. DJ and Di are fighting again. I think she may have PMS again this time, she's a different person when she's got PMS. I just pray they can stick it out and make this work for Haylee. Haylee is the sweetest baby you'd ever meet, so happy all the time! they are so blessed, I hope they realize that!
Well, as usually happens, my exercising went down the tubes; can't do anything for "me" when hubby is home. We did walk just a little at Nantahala, so I counted that (1 point) since it was up hill. Today I have clogging, such fun and great exercise! Off to work now!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
headache
Ok, it has happened again! Seems like every time I go gung-ho and try a new diet/exercise plan, I get sick! I have a massive headache, seems like allergy-related. Since I know I didn't eat anything I'm allergic to (apples, chocolate, dairy gives me headaches), it must be seasonal. Had to eat something before I take any advil, BUT I did it right and had some Ezekiel bread with simply fruit jam-no margarine, and coffee of course.
Today's exercise plan: some yoga to loosen up the neck and shoulders (probably contributing to the headache), then our Sunday walk to the other side of the mountain. It's only .4 miles one way, but it's all down hill there, so it's all up hill back. Asthma usually kicks in, but I take the walking stick and keep a steady pace.
Got to thinking about the title for this blog and KNOW that thinking if I lose weight I'll be "perfect" is wrong (re-worded: I have to lose weight to think I'm good), but it is what it is. Hopefully working all this out in my mind will help me to stop thinking that way and begin to love me as I am...Maybe???
Today's exercise plan: some yoga to loosen up the neck and shoulders (probably contributing to the headache), then our Sunday walk to the other side of the mountain. It's only .4 miles one way, but it's all down hill there, so it's all up hill back. Asthma usually kicks in, but I take the walking stick and keep a steady pace.
Got to thinking about the title for this blog and KNOW that thinking if I lose weight I'll be "perfect" is wrong (re-worded: I have to lose weight to think I'm good), but it is what it is. Hopefully working all this out in my mind will help me to stop thinking that way and begin to love me as I am...Maybe???
Saturday, April 9, 2011
one down...
So, today was a very productive day! Stayed on WW plan all day. I'm allowed 29 points plus the weekly allowance. Today I used 31 points, my lowest yet, and I'm not hungry! I made a big batch of the Zero points soup, then spent the afternoon filling pots with soil for our garden. I was wondering what to grow, but I think I'll plant the ingredients for the soup! I've had an herb garden for several years now and plan to grow thyme, rosemary, dill, basil, and chives.I may grow some cilantro again as well.
After my first post, I was worried that I might offend some of my family members with what I said. That's been a concern of mine my entire life, I want to be liked and hate to have people mad at me. That emotional behavior has contributed to my weight problem as I eat when I'm worried or stressed. I also buy on impulse, BUT didn't buy any candy or a cappuccino at the grocery store today! That is a major success! Signing off for now!
After my first post, I was worried that I might offend some of my family members with what I said. That's been a concern of mine my entire life, I want to be liked and hate to have people mad at me. That emotional behavior has contributed to my weight problem as I eat when I'm worried or stressed. I also buy on impulse, BUT didn't buy any candy or a cappuccino at the grocery store today! That is a major success! Signing off for now!
In the beginning...
well, here goes...
I decided to start a blog about my desperate journey to lose weight. So let's start at the top.
My grandmother (mother's side) was a model in her younger days, 5'10" and beautiful! She always looked her best; clothes, jewelry, make-up, hair, even into her 80's. My father's family members were all very much overweight and very unhealthy. Most of them smoked and were high school drop outs. I was raised hearing comments about people's weight and grew to believe that a person's weight defined what kind of person they were. When my maternal grandmother began to put on weight, it was a constant struggle to lose it. She tried ever diet ever invented: Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal, Weight Watchers, and whatever else was popular from the late 60's through the 90's. Whenever we would see someone we hadn't seen in a while, the first comment muttered under the breath was always something weight-related. So, as I began to put on weight in my late 20's to early 30's, I began to believe that I was worthless and less of a person because I couldn't control my weight. Now in my late 40's (when did that happen??) and with a new baby granddaughter, I really am worried about my health. My father died at age 54 of a heart attack related to his unhealthy lifestyle (smoking and obesity were the 2 biggest factors). My mother recently had a heart attack and is limited in what she can do. I also noticed that each generation is beginning to live a shorter life than the previous one; Great grandmother died at age 92, grandmother at age 87, and mother has already had a heart attack at 67. So, if I'd like to live to see Haylee grow into an adult, I need to get healthy.
Started on Weight Watcher again (at least the 5th time in the last 10 years). It is the only plan that has ever worked for me. I also in Appalachian clogging and want to be able to keep up, so I'm going to work out more. This morning I did the "resistance" DVD from the Kettleworx program, which I like because it is only 20 minutes. I plan to go for a walk around the mountain we live on later today.
So, here's to a new life!
I decided to start a blog about my desperate journey to lose weight. So let's start at the top.
My grandmother (mother's side) was a model in her younger days, 5'10" and beautiful! She always looked her best; clothes, jewelry, make-up, hair, even into her 80's. My father's family members were all very much overweight and very unhealthy. Most of them smoked and were high school drop outs. I was raised hearing comments about people's weight and grew to believe that a person's weight defined what kind of person they were. When my maternal grandmother began to put on weight, it was a constant struggle to lose it. She tried ever diet ever invented: Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal, Weight Watchers, and whatever else was popular from the late 60's through the 90's. Whenever we would see someone we hadn't seen in a while, the first comment muttered under the breath was always something weight-related. So, as I began to put on weight in my late 20's to early 30's, I began to believe that I was worthless and less of a person because I couldn't control my weight. Now in my late 40's (when did that happen??) and with a new baby granddaughter, I really am worried about my health. My father died at age 54 of a heart attack related to his unhealthy lifestyle (smoking and obesity were the 2 biggest factors). My mother recently had a heart attack and is limited in what she can do. I also noticed that each generation is beginning to live a shorter life than the previous one; Great grandmother died at age 92, grandmother at age 87, and mother has already had a heart attack at 67. So, if I'd like to live to see Haylee grow into an adult, I need to get healthy.
Started on Weight Watcher again (at least the 5th time in the last 10 years). It is the only plan that has ever worked for me. I also in Appalachian clogging and want to be able to keep up, so I'm going to work out more. This morning I did the "resistance" DVD from the Kettleworx program, which I like because it is only 20 minutes. I plan to go for a walk around the mountain we live on later today.
So, here's to a new life!
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