OH, what a night!

Praising God that we are safe and alive tonight after tornadoes went by, too close to us for comfort! I pray that my friends in Macon fared well.
Well, I gained one pound back, which isn't a surprise. I'm going to hit the tracking and diet much harder today. I've been using the pedometer and average 3.5 miles walking per day at school. This gives me 3 activity points, which is great, but not MORE than I've been doing, so I still need to vamp up the exercise! Back to the regular routine today, but school lets out soon and those few weeks of summer will kill me if I don't get over eating at home all the time.
Promise to me: I will follow the plan today and do some form of exercise when I get home, probably weeding the garden, which counts!

emotional eating

When the going gets tough, I start eating! I had a bit of a rough weekend. My youngest son is hitting puberty, which is bad enough in itself, but add Autism and ADHD to the mix and it's quite challenging! We had an incident Saturday which involved stopping to talk to a police officer about the situation. My older son and his finacee and their daughter are moving back to Florida, which I hate but understand. My husband is wonderful! I hardly get to talk to my mom or sisters and I miss them. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself again.
Time to list all the blessings I have: 1) two healthy, smart children, 2) a loving husband who'd do anything for me, 3) mom and 2 sisters I love, 4) friends that support my efforts, 5) a place to live and food on the table, 6) a job I love, 7) a car that runs well, 8) a safe place to live, 9) clogging, 10) God in heaven that gave me these blessings (that should have been number 1!)
Ok, I feel better now. I didn't track my points over the weekend or today, but I need to tomorrow to stay in the habit.

disappointing but believeable

Weighed in and stayed the same (maintained). I had an entire days worth of points saved in activity points, but I guess the 2 afternoons of binging, even if not going way over points, was the killer. Unless I'm building muscle from all this yard work, after all it weighs more than fat (so they say!). I definitely do better when I'm working, staying at home is too tempting, even if there is no junk in the house.
I'm hoping to visit my uncle and his wife tomorrow. I'm purposely bringing my car to the dealership near them for the work it needs and trying to catch up with them. Plus, there's a mall there! I haven't been to a mall in almost a year! Being broke all the time makes that easier, but it's nice to get out into civilization now and then.
I'm trying not to feel discouraged about not losing this week, after all I didn't give it 100%, and I have to give it 100% for it to work for me. I'm trying to focus on the wedding in July we're I'll see all those people I haven't seen in a year, or even the class reunion in September, which I don't know if we can afford to go to. Events have never motivated me in the past, I really just want my husband to think I'm sexy and not fat. Plus I have a bunch of smaller clothes in the closet to wear!
Reminder to me: You are great! Focus on the positive! You are worth it!

first day of Spring Break

First of all, I'm so blessed that we were not affected by the storms over the weekend. Praying for the families that were affected.
So, I imagined getting all kinds of things done, but that's not going to happen. Did plant my flower bed, but I need more soil. Finished the veggie garden and spent 20 minutes lining up the water sprinkler so I can just turn it on and go. I went to the school and had lunch with James, which was nice because he's not yet embarrassed to be seen with me!
On the diet front: started out good, then had a minor meltdown and had 2 bowls of cereal after lunch. Not a huge problem, but I feel bad about myself now, which is one thing I'm trying to avoid. I have accrued 13 activity points and I still have 17 weekly points and 2 days to use them, so I should still lose this week. Plus, I usually can get 4-5 activity points for clogging tonight!
Looks like we will be doing Florida for a few days when I finish the summer reading program. We need to help DJ and Di get back and now have a wedding that falls within the same few days. I don't want to spend more than 3-4 days though, I only have 11 days to spend with Jim and James and we need to do something! Leaving DJ, Di, and Haylee is gong to kill me! But, they are adults and need to be in a place that has the resources they need. After all, I moved away from him, not the other way around.
(Must find the happy place!)

a new week

I keep forgetting that tomorrow starts Spring Break! I find myself saying, "I need to get that done before Monday." Than I realize that it can wait and I can actually relax for a minute.
I got to spend the day with Haylee yesterday, she's so precious! I'm going to hate it when they go back to Florida, dreading it actually. I knew all along that this day would come. It's unrealistic to expect a 21-year-old born and raised in Daytona Beach (with the beach, Bike Week, the Speedway, the nightlife, and all the excitement) to like living in Hayesville, North Carolina, where our biggest claim-to-fame is the annual Possum Drop on New Year's Eve! At least there are lots of resources for them and they have some friends and family there.
So how did this affect my diet? I wanted to eat a candy bar, but between the migraine I'd get since I'm allergic to chocolate and the wasted points, I convinced myself that it wasn't worth it. That's HUGE for me!
I did the clogging show yesterday. Di and Haylee came and Di videoed it, so I got to see once again how fat I am compared to the others. Probably why I can't keep up with them. I managed to stay on plan all day until 8 p.m. when I decided to have a handful of animal crackers, thinking they'd only be a few points only to find that they were 8 points!
Goal for today: finish planting in the flower bed, clean out water feature and grass around it. should be worth a good amount of points! Happy Palm Sunday!

so ready for the weekend and Spring Break!

Well, I have next week off, yeah! Yes, I know teachers aren't supposed to say things like that, but everyone looks forward to a few days off! There was a free BBQ lunch at school today, but I stuck with my zero point soup and snacks I'd packed. Of course, it helps that I'm not a huge fan of BBQ! Tonight we have the fish fry at church, which Jim is helping out at so I have to go support him and the cause. I figured out how many points it would cost and based my lunch on that, first time ever planning ahead on a diet! I usually count AFTER the fact!
 I wore the WW pedometer today and found that I do walk miles each day at school, 3.4 miles actually. That converts to 3 pointsplus points! Yeah!
Tomorrow is the performance at Young Harris college (unless it gets blown away in the windstorm tonight) so there's some more exercise. After that I'll do some gardening, that should be enough working out for a day! I am feeling very inspired by the comments friends and family have made, and that's keeping me motivated, please don't stop!
Gotta go each fish!

the results are in...

First weigh in results- I lost 2 pounds. My initial reaction was disappointment that I didn't lose 4 or 5 pounds. So I started to try to convince myself that 2 lbs is good and at this rate I'll reach my final goal by Halloween. So, feeling a bit better, I proceeded to the computer to go on the WW site and plug in my weight loss only to get YELLED at for losing TOO QUICKLY! OK, so I know that fast weight loss will only return and is unhealthy, but 2 POUNDS in a week is not fast! I probably should get a digital scale so I can get the tenths of pounds, maybe if it was 1.8 I wouldn't have gotten yelled at!
OK, ranting is over. I've lost 2 pounds. Goal for today: exercise. I should practice clogging since we have a performance Saturday and I don't want to screw it up! I need to make sure my costume still fits, too!
Have a happy Thursday!

one more day until weigh in...

Have you ever felt that you spend the entire day convincing yourself that you don't need to eat that cookie/candy/bagel/muffin? I sometimes feel like all I do is talk myself out of eating stuff that I shouldn't have and it's exhausting! I'm trying to look at it as talking myself INTO health and weight loss and my closet full of too-smalls, maybe that will help.

I guess I really don't know

Good Morning! 4:00 a.m. local time. I don't know what it is about me and sleep! I was too hot most of the night since hubby turned the a/c up to 82 degrees! Once I wake up, it's useless to try to go back to sleep, so I finally decided to just get up. I need to catch up on my WW points from last night; our computer is so slow in the evening I didn't bother last night! I've used all my weekly points and have started dipping into the exercise points, so I need to watch it today and tomorrow- weigh in Thursday.
One of the reasons I overeat is worry about my family. It could be James getting in trouble at school, Jim getting depressed, or anything with DJ (you never know with him!). He and Di have a love/hate relationship. I think they do love each other and are good for each other, they just need to mature a bit and take care of each other rather than always looking out for #1. They seem to finally have a plan and it involves them moving back to Florida. I was hoping they'd like it here, but knew all along they'd hate it. This rural community is too small for them, they need excitement and action. At least I have a relationship with Di and Haylee that I can build on and make sure stays strong!
Clogging last night was fun but I've forgotten the dances. It may be due to the migraine meds I took before going, they fuzz up my mind. I've determined that the headaches were NOT from low blood sugar, but a sensitivity to aspartame. I had stopped using it but bought some diet sodas the other day, that's when the migraines started again.It's always something!
Goal for today- Don't go over 29 points and exercise when I get home. I'm bringing my clogging shoes to work in case I have a moment to practice, too. Have a great day!

another day another dollar?

Well, I finally figured out the headache was from low blood sugar! I need to eat a snack before bedtime, which I know, but I always forget that when I start a diet.
So, we went for a ride yesterday up to Nantahala, which I've not yet seen. The road is a bit windy, so I was feeling carsick (on top of the headache) by the time we got there. Got a coke (3 points) to settle the stomach. My wonderful husband got a bag of potato chips, which he proceed to offer to me (and I can't resist) so I wasted 9 points on that! On the plus side- The lake at Nantahala is beautiful!
Before we left for the day, I stopped over to see DJ, Di, and Haylee. DJ and Di are fighting again. I think she may have PMS again this time, she's a different person when she's got PMS. I just pray they can stick it out and make this work for Haylee. Haylee is the sweetest baby you'd ever meet, so happy all the time! they are so blessed, I hope they realize that!
Well, as usually happens, my exercising went down the tubes; can't do anything for "me" when hubby is home. We did walk just a little at Nantahala, so I counted that (1 point) since it was up hill. Today I have clogging, such fun and great exercise! Off to work now!

headache

Ok, it has happened again! Seems like every time I go gung-ho and try a new diet/exercise plan, I get sick! I have a massive headache, seems like allergy-related. Since I know I didn't eat anything I'm allergic to (apples, chocolate, dairy gives me headaches), it must be seasonal. Had to eat something before I take any advil, BUT I did it right and had some Ezekiel bread with simply fruit jam-no margarine, and coffee of course.
Today's exercise plan: some yoga to loosen up the neck and shoulders (probably contributing to the headache), then our Sunday walk to the other side of the mountain. It's only .4 miles one way, but it's all down hill there, so it's all up hill back. Asthma usually kicks in, but I take the walking stick and keep a steady pace.
Got to thinking about the title for this blog and KNOW that thinking if I lose weight I'll be "perfect" is wrong (re-worded: I have to lose weight to think I'm good), but it is what it is. Hopefully working all this out in my mind will help me to stop thinking that way and begin to love me as I am...Maybe???

one down...

So, today was a very productive day! Stayed on WW plan all day. I'm allowed 29 points plus the weekly allowance. Today I used 31 points, my lowest yet, and I'm not hungry! I made a big batch of the Zero points soup, then spent the afternoon filling pots with soil for our garden. I was wondering what to grow, but I think I'll plant the ingredients for the soup! I've had an herb garden for several years now and plan to grow thyme, rosemary, dill, basil, and chives.I may grow some cilantro again as well.
After my first post, I was worried that I might offend some of my family members with what I said. That's been a concern of mine my entire life, I want to be liked and hate to have people mad at me. That emotional behavior has contributed to my weight problem as I eat when I'm worried or stressed. I also buy on impulse, BUT didn't buy any candy or a cappuccino at the grocery store today! That is a major success! Signing off for now!

In the beginning...

well, here goes...
I decided to start a blog about my desperate journey to lose weight. So let's start at the top.
My grandmother (mother's side) was a model in her younger days, 5'10" and beautiful! She always looked her best; clothes, jewelry, make-up, hair, even into her 80's. My father's family members were all very much overweight and very unhealthy. Most of them smoked and were high school drop outs. I was raised hearing comments about people's weight and grew to believe that a person's weight defined what kind of person they were. When my maternal grandmother began to put on weight, it was a constant struggle to lose it. She tried ever diet ever invented: Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal, Weight Watchers, and whatever else was popular from the late 60's through the 90's. Whenever we would see someone we hadn't seen in a while, the first comment muttered under the breath was always something weight-related. So, as I began to put on weight in my late 20's to early 30's, I began to believe that I was worthless and less of a person because I couldn't control my weight. Now in my late 40's (when did that happen??) and with a new baby granddaughter, I really am worried about my health. My father died at age 54 of a heart attack related to his unhealthy lifestyle (smoking and obesity were the 2 biggest factors). My mother recently had a heart attack and is limited in what she can do. I also noticed that each generation is beginning to live a shorter life than the previous one; Great grandmother died at age 92, grandmother at age 87, and mother has already had a heart attack at 67. So, if I'd like to live to see Haylee grow into an adult, I need to get healthy.
Started on Weight Watcher again (at least the 5th time in the last 10 years). It is the only plan that has ever worked for me. I also in Appalachian clogging and want to be able to keep up, so I'm going to work out more. This morning I did the "resistance" DVD from the Kettleworx program, which I like because it is only 20 minutes. I plan to go for a walk around the mountain we live on later today.
So, here's to a new life!