It's been a while!

I started this blog as an encouragement to stay on the weight loss path. Since that time, I have GAINED 20 pounds! I have also learned much about myself. #1. I am definitely an emotional eater; when the going gets tough, I get eating! Solution to #1: when faced with the urge to eat, drink water, wait 20 minutes or exercise and the hunger will go away. #2. I have a tendency to worry about things beyond my control, like whether or not Jim gets a job. Oh, I have some input to this for sure, but the decision made by a potential employer when looking at the opening to applicant ratio (usually higher than 1:20 here) is well beyond my control. Solution to #2: pray, have faith, do what I can but "Let go, let God". #3. I don't get out of the house enough when I'm not working. I don't sit and watch TV, I usually do lots of yard work and rearranging of rooms or furniture. But we live in nature's playground surrounded by waterfalls, rivers, lakes, and hiking trails. Solution to #3: Get out, take advantage of the natural beauty! Best of all, it's free! So, since I have recommitted to the diet, I have lost 4.7 pounds, 3 pounds until my first short-term goal. I'm feeling a little more positive, not worrying about how the bills will get paid, I'll pay what I can and let Jim figure out the rest. Right now, I'm enjoying some time at home with him and James, I got to see DJ, Di, and beautiful Haylee last month, and I'm frequently reminded of what a great family I have!

Staying positive is hard!

So, at first I was going to complain (again), but when I read my last post I decided I need to quit-yer-bitching, so to speak and decide where to go from here.
So, for now, I'm not going to Massachusetts for a job, my certificate still has not gone through (since 9/22/11!). Plus, I really LOVE my job, although more $$ would be great!
James has been moved to a school in the same district in which I work to free Jim up during the day so he can get a real job. After a rough start, and many schedule changes, James had a great day today! We have a plan for the rest of this year and possibly next year, so he's good for now. Jim has been applying for jobs in Franklin, diligently for once, so hopefully something will come soon. If he can get similar hours to mine for now we can drive together until we're in a better position to buy something there.
What started the little meltdown I was experiencing was the realtor telling us we probably won't be able to sell our house for what we owe, which is $16,000 less than we paid for it only two years ago! That's insane! He made some suggestions that may work to get us to Franklin, but we need to be patient and creative.
As far as the weight loss goes, I had to drop weight watchers and have had a really hard time sticking to a diet. Since I'm an emotional eater and have been so stressed out, I've gained 4+ pounds since November. I tried to start an exercise journal, but haven't been exercising enough to make me feel good doing it.
SO, the plan is to exercise each day after I pick up James from school (I probably should WALK over to get him since it's only across the street!) and count my blessings instead of frustrations.

I'm sick of it

Right this moment in time, I can't get out of here fast enough.I'm sick of having no money, no time and no respect. I'm sick of the things that are important to me being ridiculed and laughed at and much less important than things that matter to others, especially those I live with. I'm sick of coming in second to a rusty old car and our son being even further down on the list. I'm sick of having to justify a $5 expense that would have saved me 45 minutes of extra work while he spends all kinds of money for car parts. I literally feel sick over the fact that the counselor said he can do nothing for my son's obsession because the boy sees nothing wrong with it, like father like son in so many ways, so now what do I do? Medicate him until he's lethargic so he stays out of trouble? I'm sick, yet happy, that James was not accepted into a summer camp because of his disability, only to find out later that one of the people in charge has been accused of tying a child to a chair and slapping him in the face. What's wrong with people? Who can be trusted? If I leave here, will it be any better somewhere else? I love my husband, but if he stays here and I leave I won't have to put up with him on a daily basis, which would be great from where I stand right now! I know I should be very grateful that everyone I care for is healthy, and I am VERY grateful for that. But, can't I wish for a better life, with enough money to pay the bills without worrying myself into headaches every month and services to better help my son? I'm beginning to feel very let down and I'm questioning my faith, which scares me. Not sure what to do at this point.

The waiting games stinks!

Now that I've decided I need to go to MA, I can't get there quick enough! The lists of plusses to go there keeps growing: closer to mom, Kim, Linda, nephews, cousins, friends. Also closer to Philadelphia and Baby Girl (DJ &Di, too!);job with more $ better benefits, shorter days, closer to services to help James and possibly even summer camp opportunities that he's always rejected for here (too Autistic for "regular" camp, not Autistic enough for special camp...); closer to civilization (this was refreshing at first, but now I'm over it!); maybe I'll even find a church with an active youth group. James would be coming with me, not staying here, since there are many more services and opportunities for him there, plus I'd have more support and family that I could recruit to help me with him. Jim will be fine here fending for himself.
The one reason I have to stay is that I love my current job, the students, my bosses and co-workers. Unfortunately, that's not enough anymore...
This blog started with my desire (lifelong) to lose weight, and I fell off that bandwagon for a while. I even canceled my WW account to save a few bucks, but I'm back on. I maintained my weight this week, but today is a new day!
Must get ready for the last day of "intermission" as some of the kids call it. It has been a good week! I have to take Monday off to bring James to the doctor to discuss the issues we're having with him and determine if he needs a med change, so it will be a 3 day weekend- desperately needed right now!

should I stay or should I go?

Well, the camel's back is broken. Not sure what exactly broke it to the point of no return: rising insurance costs, no longer qualifying for reduced lunch for James, rising costs of gas/food/everything, no raise AGAIN! Jim tried to run an ad in the local newspaper for an electrical handyman and was getting a good response until the state told him he couldn't do that, so now he has no money coming in.The few sides jobs he does put gas in his van, that's all and he hasn't found a real job in the three years that we've been here. So after much discussion and prayer, we've decided it's time for me to look for a job in Massachusetts.
Pros if I get one: more money, no longer worrying about how we're going to eat, the ability to actually save some money for once, I'd get to spend some real time with my mom and sisters whom I desperately miss, I'd get to see DJ and Di more often since they are on the way to MA and only 6 hours away if I wanted to spend the weekend, Jim would still be here to take care of this place and we'd be able to keep it for summers and vacation, James wouldn't have to change schools until I was sure I found one that could meet his needs as well as Hayesville does. Cons to me going: I hate the thought of leaving James and worry about Jim doing this all alone, I love my current job and have made some friends there that I'd miss (pause while I dry my eyes). The plan is to purchase a laptop with a web cam for James so he and I can Skype every night, which he may think is so cool he may not want me to come back! I'd come back for holidays, breaks, long weekends and really only be gone for 6 weeks at a time. If it works out and I have enough money, after getting Jim a replacement car, I'd try to find a foreclosed house or condo for us to stay in and James could come up and go to school in MA; Jim would have the option of staying here or coming up.(He's very comfortable here, has contacts for jobs, is in great with the church, and HATES the cold).We feel that our relationship is strong enough to survive the distance. I think all the evidence points to me going to MA if I am offered the right job. So, keep us in your prayers!

relative normal

Well, now that we're back in school with the students (pre-planning days don't count; nothing "normal" about them!), I'm hoping to get back on track with the diet. I need to bring a microwave in, I don't really have time to heat my lunch up somewhere else and have time to eat it (25 minutes which includes walking the students to the cafeteria and retrieving them when they're done). I also need to make sure I'm getting the exercise in; wearing the pedometer is great because it tracks the activity points earned and I just plug that into the program, but I really should be practicing my clogging routines at least 3 days per week.
I keep having to remind myself that DJ is (technically) an adult and I don't need to know about every little thing he's doing. I've been driving myself crazy worrying about them: if Haylee is getting all the attention she deserves, if he and Di are going to make it or not, if they're ever coming back here where they have lots more support, etc., etc., etc. I pray daily that their relationship lasts, I really do love Diana and think they have a great thing going if they'd just focus on each other, which takes maturity that they both lack. All I can do is keep praying...
We took James fishing today, I think for the first time ever! We didn't catch anything, but now that I kind of get the gist of it, I can take him before karate some Saturday. He has one more week until school starts. We're still doing the gluten-free diet, but I'm anxious to see if the behaviors that have extinguished return once he's back in the stress of school, with or without the diet.
Funny thing, but Jim actually enjoys being the dishwasher at a local restaurant, something I would never have thought he'd like. I guess because it's repetitious?? Who knows, at least he likes it and it's a job.
I have come to some conclusions about the difference between Autism and ADHD, and have decided that James has Autism only while DJ has ADHD. It has to do with being able to do more than one thing at a time; people with ADHD can see and attend to 10 things at once, while people with Autism tend to hyper-focus on one thing and get overwhelmed if they are expected to do more than one thing at a time. Just my personal theory based on people I live with every day!
G'day!

last days of summer

It sure seems strange saying "the last days of summer" when it's still July, but I go back to work Monday followed by students on Thursday. This has been an emotional and crazy summer, to say the least! Going back to work will almost be a break!
Starting with the youngest, James: puberty has hit early! He grew another 2-3 inches over the summer and is now only 2" shorter than me, his voice has changed, and his attitude along with it! His interest in girls and all things to do with them has exploded as we found out (the hard way) with the $124 pay-per-view bill (which Dish Network graciously reversed!). Being asked to leave VBS early due to his behavior was saddening for him and heartbreaking for me, but completely understood due to the nature of the violation. Trying the GFCF diet with him has shown some promise; he answers me more quickly when I ask him to stop doing something he enjoys and seems calmer overall. Of course this could be due to being on summer break and away from the things that stress him out, hard to say. On the positive side, his sense of humor is still great and, for the most part, he's a great kids who gets lots of compliments for his sensitivity and gracious manners.
D.J., oh D.J., what can a mother do? I love this child with every fiber of my being, he has a great sense of humor and can liven up any conversation with his unique points of view. BUT, he is so impulsive and doesn't think anything through before jumping, "ready, fire, aim!" as Richard Lavoie says. He and Di have moved to Philly where they have been on- again-off- again, most recently on- again with a new determination to make it work. I miss Haylee so much, but keep reminding myself that many grandparents live far from the grandkids and still make it work, I just wanted to be part of her day-to-day life and not just hear about it later. I'll just keep praying...
I love my husband, but now understand those women who have been homemakers all their lives until the husband retires, then they are driven crazy! At least he has a job and has been keeping busy with side jobs, Knights of Columbus, RCIA, and the Cadillac. And he loves me enough to want to be with me EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!
This blog started out with my desperate attempt to lose weight. Not working is not working for me! When I'm at work, I pack my lunch and only eat what is in my lunch box, easy to control. When I'm home, especially in the stressful situations I've had this summer, all I do is eat. Oh- and my scale broke and the new one adds at least 5 pounds, so my poundage is higher even though the clothes still fit. So, starting Monday, I'm back on the diet 100% and will try to stick with the GFCF as much as possible as well.
Lastly (I promise!), I had to give in and realize that I am no longer a candidate for wearing contact lenses, a very difficult thing to do as I have been fighting wearing glasses for 38 years now! My astigmatism has gotten to the point where it cannot be corrected with contacts. So I got some nice, rimless bifocals (the distance rx is so strong it messes up the reading vision). Then I couldn't see the computer and when I almost set my hair on fire leaning in to see what I was cooking, I went back and was prescribed tri-focals. Ta-da! I can see better now than I have in years. It's amazing what you miss without even realizing it when you can't see properly!
Enough now. Have a great summer, if you still have one!